his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
