I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
