Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
