Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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