They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My liver just had a heart attack.
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You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.