he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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