what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
