Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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