the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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