I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
