I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she looked like the before picture.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I AM VODKA MAN
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
