the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
