I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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