I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
