Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
