The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
