I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I puked a lego.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
