Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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