Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Michael Bay diarrhea
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
