I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
