I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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