haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
