So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize