What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
