guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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