Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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