I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
