I accidentally had phone sex last night
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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