i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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