I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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