Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
