I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
