I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
