I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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