The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
