its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
