Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My breasts were aching with rage.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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