She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize