im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
