we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
