i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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