His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can't turn off my feet"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
this is an emotional support booty call
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
