You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
