I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
