Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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