Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
