You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
