Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
