Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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