ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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