Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
