I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
