My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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