...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
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She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad