the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.