Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night