just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
