God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
