Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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