I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
